Clueless

Why are men so clueless sometimes? Why when I am with Max I feel so happy and so in love and whenever we are apart I just shit on it? I love him so much, yet I always find things wrong. I am literally getting mad because he can’t read my mind, but sometimes, it would be nice if he did. Is it unreasonable for me to think he can read my mind? Are woman just crazy when they want men to do this? Or are men just clueless organisms we are forced to deal with? I really wish I knew the answer.

HELP me write a short story

So I am writing a short story about that whole atomic bomb dream I had a few weeks ago. With the beginning of Hamlet in my A.P. Lit class, finishing up my personal statement, last minute preparations for the SAT and college applications I have no creative juices left. I really need a solid writing portfolio for Pratt because with my GPA (2.3) and what will probably be disappointing SAT scores, I NEED AN ORGASMIC PORTFOLIO.

So this is my shitty rough draft that took me 5-10 minutes to write. I want the short story to be at least two pages long and really have more emotion in it. I want the reader to be able to feel what I felt like when I woke up from that dream. I want this story to haunt the reader and break their poor little heart. Please, please, please if anyone has ANY suggestions for imagery or ideas to bring out emotions in the reader, please help! I want the mood and the tone of this short story to be tragic, but without catharsis. There can be no healing for the reader except in their own mind and hearts. I don’t want to supply the reader with that medicine, I want them to be able to find it on their own.

Okay.

Here it is.

(the blank is for the name of the girl in dubliners that won’t leave her abusive father for a sailor, I have to check my old ap comp notes for her name.) And I honestly think this sucks right now, or at least most of it does. I don’t want it to sound likea cheesy romance novel. I want it to be a reality in the readers head. I am also going to switch it from past tense to present tense. I just thought for the first draft I would write it however I could. I’ve been pushing myself to write this down for a month and I just never got up the emotional strength. Please, please, please help! :]

It was at that moment I saw it, I saw the mushroom cloud, and I knew what was about to happen next. The bomb had hit the earth and I had seconds, if that, left to live. The brightness of the bomb hitting the organic earth was unbearable, like staring directly at the sun, but I could not look away. I saw the cloud rise up into the heavens and extend out, how large it was swirling above my head, a giant gray storm coming to deliver my doom. The cloud started to extend out towards me, but I was paralyzed with fear, like sweet BLANK I was unable to get onto the ship and sail off to happiness. It is not like I could do anything anyway, there would be no running from this certain death. So I just sat there and let the reaper rap me in his arms and whisk me away.

The moment the cloud hit lonely me standing there I could feel it. My death only took an instant but in that quick moment I felt pain like no other. I could feel my skin smoothly melting off my body, I could feel what everyone is afraid of. I felt death, I knew death, I made friends with death. I felt what it was like to have a second last a lifetime, an eternity. So many things went on in that second that I cannot even explain or make sense of.

As this pain raptured and raped my body I could only think of one thing: Max. My lovable and kind hearted boy and his sweet smile. I could see myself running my hands through his soft and beautiful strawberry-blond hair. I could feel myself moving my hands across the newly grown and fiery red scruff that lined the perimeter of his face. I felt the feeling of looking into his sea-blue eyes and I was once again lost in their embrace. I felt my hands inching around the surfaces of his skin that I knew so well and had grown to love with all my heart. I saw him for only an instant and was enveloped with a new pain, much more unbearable than the physical pain currently radiating through my body. I realized I would never see Max again, I would never run my hands through his hair or feel his rough beard against my soft skin. I would never peer deeply in his soft blue eyes or be kept warm by his body laying next to me in bed. I would never again see the boy that had made a home inside my heart, my soul, my entire earthly being. I could not believe I was leaving him but just as that came to my mind my soul escaped it’s painful fate and my body was empty. I no longer existed, the whole world was black.

Freakout.

I don’t know what I could have been thinking. Max is my someone. It may not be forever, it is stupid to bank on something like eternity, but I hope it is long lasting. Max makes me happy, I cannot see him making me unhappy. Sometimes I get jealous, but even at my worst I am not unhappy. This blue eyed beauty just fits me. He fits me. The level of comfort I feel around him is astounding. I could do anything with him and be fine.

That is how I know he is a possibility. That is how I know he could be a certainty. I am so afraid of something going wrong. I am so afraid of losing him. I know I won’t.

As Shakespeare pointed out, true love lasts forever. Love never fades, it never ends. Max will never end.

The Nuclear Holocaust in my Dream.

This was what I told a friend in an im.

I couldn’t retype it all.

This is all too crazy.

Sorry about the lazy grammar and sentence structure.

I just remembered the dream I had last night.

I died.

Like literally.

I died.

I felt myself die.

I was like really close to where a nuclear bomb hit.

and I died instantly

but like, I had this slow motion thing

and in this split second, I felt this incredible amount of pain.

I felt my skin melt off my body.

I felt it and it was the most unbearable pain in the world.

and I remember my soul leaving my body

and I remember right as my soul was leaving, right before I died, I thought. Max.

And I had this overwhelming feeling of pain and sadness because I would never get to see him again.

That incredible pain of my skin melting off my body and actually dying was not close to the pain my heart felt at the thought of not seeing him again.

I can’t even believe I remember this.

and literally the dream ended.

I died

and the dream ended

everything went black

just went black

I died

and it all went black

but it was even weird, like feeling myself die. It wasn’t one of those, like, my dream self could feel it but I couldn’t. I FELT IT.

and by the way, the other weird thing about the dream? When it went black, I couldn’t feel myself. You how in a dream you always feel your presence right? I couldn’t feel me at all. It was like I wasn’t me. I was just nothing.

What to do. What to do.

I‘m scared. I am scared because I love Max more than anyone and I can’t imagine there is a better relationship out there for me. I would be more than happy if he were it for me, if he were the person I am to love for the rest of my life. The thing is, Max has never dated anyone else but me. This worries me to an elevated degree. I feel as if he needs to see feel what a bad or even normal relationship is like to see really sense how amazing ours is. I feel as if he will never understand how naturally and well we work together unless he sees is apart of other examples.

than explain that to him

I‘m scared he‘ll agree with me.

right now the scariest thing in the world to me is not being with him.

just thinking about not being with him makes me cry.

I‘m scared that no matter what we aren‘t going to last.

aw I’m sorry

I am so afraid that if I don’t go to college as a single woman I will not grow independently. These are the years when an individual matures the most.

Max once said one of the reasons he loves me so much is that I am so independent. His woman friends are independent. His mother is independent. I want to make sure I can be independent, not just for him, but for me.

Paranoid.

It’s happening.

It always happenes.

I get all paranoid and crazy.

I don’t know what to do.

I love him, I love him to death.

I trust him more than anyone in the world.

I just worry.

I am so afraid to lose him.

I am so afraid of life without him.

I’m scared.

2:50 AM, AIM.

I love max, but sometimes I feel so lost. I mean, I am going to college soon. His mom told me it’s great, it’s where you finally become an independent woman with no ties at home. Max loves me because I am independent. Max is also a tie at home. I’m so scared of it all.
just the thought of not having him in my makes me start to tear up. He just works, he works with me. He is the only person that really accepts all of me. He is the only person I am okay making stupid mistakes around. He also understands me. I’m scared that if I stay with him it will ruin it all. I’m scared that if we break up when I go to college it will ruin it all. I don’t want to have to miss him. I also don’t want to miss out on an important step in the growing up cycle because of him.

Ol’ Blue Eyes

Could I spend a few more minutes just staring into your eyes?

I feel so at home in them.

I want to just curl up inside them and take a deep, long nap.

I want to hug them and feel their warmth on me forever.

I do see my future in those eyes.

I see everything I’ve ever wanted in those eyes.

I see the glory.

I see the love.

I see the humanity.

I see everything that makes you, you.

I see your eyes.
I see your eyes and I have to stop.

I have to stop and stare.

I have to stare because there is nothing.

there is nothing more beautiful.

more beautiful.

Than your darling blue eyes.

SURPRISE!

I got my first cumshot in the face today.

It was a surprise.

I screamed.

LOUDLY.

Usually he tells me when he is coming.

USUALLY, he has to join into the blowjob/handjob fun.

Usually my hands and mouth are not good enough.

Today they were.

I surprised him with a blowjob.

He surprised me with a blast of cum to the face.

I couldn’t be happier.

Yet Another love note

I love you.I can’t comprehend anyone making me happier, it’s unimaginable.

There is no feeling in the world like my hands or my head against your bare chest. Nothing like your multiple different kinds of laughter. Nothing like the look in your eyes whenever I’m laying next to you. Nothing like the sound of your beating heart.

There is nothing like you out there. Nothing.